Max Payne

Being a rather avid video gamer, I found myself, several years ago, sitting on my couch, X-Box controller in hand, playing Max Payne for the first time. Somewhere between the slow motion gunfights and the gravely voiceovers, I remember saying to myself,  “You know, maybe this would make a good movie.” Of course, thanks to director John Moore and Marky Mark Wahlberg, I still may never know.

First and foremost, I sat down to see Max Payne already knowing it wasn’t going to meet my fanboy expectations. I had never once seen a video game adaptation that had truly satisfied my gaming heart and I didn’t expect to find the cure in this film either. In my head, I was going to see a movie, plain and simple, but, on those merits alone, I still wasn’t very impressed.

The storyline is hardly worth mentioning, since the complex video game plot has been stripped to its bare bones, making it just a rehashed plot you’ve already seen before.  Basically, Max Payne loses everything when strung-out robbers kill his wife and infant. He then spends his life looking for “the man who got away,” shooting guns and looking depressed in the process. I could go on but what’s the point? The plot trips over itself too much to care if you are watching or not. And, if you are paying attention, you’re going to figure out the entire thing before our rouge detective can even put two and two together.  So either the film gives too much away to its audience or Max Payne is an awful detective. I’d say it’s a little bit of both.

But the fun doesn’t stop there. For characters that have so much potential at being rich and interesting, I could have gotten the same performances out of cardboard cutouts. Wahlberg does what he can but everyone else seems to be completely out of place. There’s Mila Kunis from “That 70’s Show” pulling off her best emo assassin as Mona Sax, Beau Bridges giving off the worst “I’m old so I must be the mentor” vibe as BB Hensley and then finally rapper Ludacris playing basically…well, Ludacris as a cop.

But maybe I’m not allowed to complain much about performances when the actors had dialogue that could’ve been written by a first time screenwriter….oh wait…they did. Courtesy of newcomer Beau Thorne, the script had such classic cliché moments as the quick thinking Ludacris walking up to an office lobby desk and saying, “I need to see somebody about someone who used to work here.” Way to be general there detective Ludacris.

In the end, I am reminded of when Payne is shown sinking down into the icy ocean and his gravely voiceover comes in saying, “I don’t believe in Heaven.” Well, after watching Max Payne I might have to agree. If there were a God, this film would already be in the clearance rack.

1 ½ out of 5 stars